Thursday, December 14, 2006

When the dog stares....Its time to call the Grandma

It takes great misery & suffering to put this thought thru, but somethings cannot be ignored & so is this.

When a dog stares at you in the middle of road because you are constantly coughing in front of him, thats a serious indicator. Such an innocent dog did stare at me the other day. The poor underfed thing, probably neutered, showed the deepest expression of sorrow on my miserable condition. I looked at his face involuntarily thru my constant coughs & rebreathing attempts. He looked on.

Why did things reach to such an extent. It all began in early 1920's when the first prototype of motor car came into existence. All it took for the exponential inrease in the number of vehicles on the road, was for the people to start earning a little more than they needed & also that the Govt really can afford to buy oils at exorbitant rates.

Yes, I suffer from a very "typical" condition (as my doc says it), wherein the atmospheric pollution (meaning, around my nasal area & not above my building's 3rd Floor), has caused some allergic reactions in my lungs. Its rather surprising, after all it took 21 years for that to happen, I am as surprised as the dog that was staring at me. So due to this allergic condition, I displace air in my room at the rate of 50,000 cubic metres per day due to excessively constant coughing.

Its sad that the human body is not genetically capable to cough hard enough to blow its lungs out, but I think I am getting closer. I hope people are going to observe a process of evolution with their naked eyes as I attempt to blow my lungs out with those horrible coughs. I hope someday my children will inherit those genes & thus develop a gene pool with people with this unique ability of lung blowing which might one day help them die peacefully when they are stuck in a really polluted traffic jam & a dog stares at them intently from the footpath.

So what does technically happen when I cough. Nothing much, it all begins with a few set of words coming out of my mouth. This activity urges my body to suck in a little extra amount of air so that I can modulate the next sentence properly. Since my nose is blocked with the mucus layer which helps to keep the pollutants out of my lungs, I have to make use of my mouth to breath & talk at the same time. Since both actions seem irrelevant when done at the same time, as soon as this thought crosses my mind, I begin to cough. The first elementary bursts are just the engine's way of checking if the system is all clear. Then begins the intermediate horrifying part, when I stop talking, rather have to stop talking, as I cant stop coughing. At this particular stage I begin to feel my intestine, the small one. Then as the intermediate step passes by, almost instantaneously my body makes me feel all the following body parts at once: My Sinus, My Lungs, My Rib Cage, My confused Heart, My Stomach, My Spine (which by now has stretched beyond its human limits, another feat of evolution) & finally my throat.

After 3 mintues & 2 seconds, my cough subsides & all my afore mentioned body parts go back to their respective places. I can feel the bones in my skull resonate with the cough aftermath. The vibrations are so strong that my left eyelid begins to flutter all of a sudden. My whole philosophy of life, reality, the feeling of being human, are we alone in the universe ?, who is president of Trinidad & Tobago & many such important aspects are forgotten. There lies a deep drone of useless noise in my head constantly making me compute the odds of a cough attack following in the next few seconds. As soon as I compute the possibility to the next 5 mins, I try to breath "normally" again. But thats a "task" now, my lung capacity has been impaired by the allergy & every attempt of a deep breath results in embarrassingly funny expressions on my face.

So whats the solution I reckon. I am already on a pretty steady round of medication, so thats out. I have already taken the blood tests & have consulted all possible doctors, so thats out too. So I think of a master plan. With my extremely priceless amount of surgical experience, which includes cutting up my fingers a thousand times with a common blade, I decide to cut my tonsils out, as easy as, slit my throat - pull the tonsils out - then take the pain killer & wait for emergency medical assitance & hope they will come on time. Also I forgot to mention one vital step, call for emergency medical assistance before slitting the throat, there's no way your mom can understand the blood stains on the handset.

But I do nothing of that sort, its a shame that such a trivial task even needs medical assistance. Nevertheless, I figure an alternative way out. Chaos Theory. This is how it works. According to the butterfly effect, if I constantly keep on coughing at this rate, I just might become the next reason why America has no hurricanes anymore. See, at a fractal level, I am displacing a considerable amount of wind in my area, so over a period of time, I can become a lifesaver.

So apart from the hidden goodwill of my cough, its extremely impossible to live with it, eat with it, bath with it, sleep with it, talk with it, stare at the doggy with it.

So a humblest request goes out to all those grandchildren whose grandma's are still alive, ask her the next best cure for my cough & she might as well get a noble peace prize as I constantly bother my neighbours with my LOUD & PREPOSTEROUS COUGH.

Song for the moment:
There is no such song in human history that encapsulates the vibrations in my head.

Yet to set the mood, Beach Boys - Good Vibrations


rutuja said...

I don't believe you actually wrote that!! and i actually read it!![:D]..lolzz
Had visited your blog last week, thought u wrote pretty serious stuff..this one was wayy unexpected!! hehe..good one though!

Paresh said...

Sarcy...sarcy...I like sarcy!!
You know, Cynicism along with Hedonism is a fuckin awesome mix (infact quite neccessary) to get by with our lousy existence here.

Hope things are better now.